Yo there, as it's a new year and all I thought I would post on this thing and then swallow a jar of honey. (What can I say, I'm in a good mood.)
General: Sooo, last year was alright, wasn't it... no, you're right, it was shite, but at least I got a laugh or two. Of course there was the usual drama, someones life was temporarily ruined and cunts started dancing on the band wagon. I got annoyed, you got annoyed, it was hardly the best start to a year for some. I did, however, have a fantastic time going out with Ais, whom I do believe is my best friend, though it would help if she stopped trying kill me... is she trying to tell me something?
Social: The end of the year had a kind of a down note to it though, for me anyway, though my social life seems to have picked up where my "sad-loner" life left off. No-one can say I'm complaining about that. In other news I have made an abundance of new friends, they are as follows... in chronological order:
Bo,
Dean,
Liam,
Kerry. (Yes, for me that is an abundance.)
Dave has taken on the title of "Bastard Dave", for those who don't already know or weren't intelligent enough to guess, Harrison finally got a mobile, which is just another means for him not to contact us with.
Romance: Yes, it's true folks, for those of you who don't read the scandal pages and go for more quality reading, Ais and Harrison are going out, I repeat, they are going out. I know, I know, this is like finding out Hitler was Santa in disguise but you're all going to have to get over it eventually. I myself am going out with Kerry, who most of you don't know, which is all the more sadder for you.
Culture: I have started writing a... let's call it a book so I have something to aspire to, shall we. I have plans for another story, I like writing, nuff said. Harrison has introduced me to more stand-ups than I can shake a rubber chicken at and most of them seem to be of a funny disposition. I'm still adding more books to my "Yeah, I'm Going To Read It But Can't Be Bothered Right Now" pile... that situation is pretty grim.
Round-Up: Last year was overly shite for most of the people I know, for me it was verging closer to good, kinda... This year has the potential to be a good year, it's started off pretty well for most people I hang about with, except for the occasional illness and headache.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Gavin Mango wishes you a good year.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Monday, November 13, 2006
Just A Few Of The Best Altered Quotes
"Do not go into the bum. Stop where you are. Turn away from it. Don't even look at it."
(Poltergeist)
"A bum. Shaken, not stired."
(Goldfinger)
"You had me at 'dickings'"
(Jerry Maguire)
"But why is the dickings gone?"
(Pirates of the Carribean)
"I am serious... and don't call me God."
(Airplane!)
"I have a head for business and a God for sin."
(Working Girl)
(Poltergeist)
"A bum. Shaken, not stired."
(Goldfinger)
"You had me at 'dickings'"
(Jerry Maguire)
"But why is the dickings gone?"
(Pirates of the Carribean)
"I am serious... and don't call me God."
(Airplane!)
"I have a head for business and a God for sin."
(Working Girl)
Sunday, November 12, 2006
What Ho, Fuckers
Nah, you're all wonderful people who deserve everything you get. I just noticed I hadn't posted on the old blog in a while. My party last night was... a rareing success? There were good parts, there were bad parts and there were parts that have made me... a different person.
The good parts consisted of me meeting new people, Bo and Dean, whom are good fun. The bad parts involved people not turning up, but meh, t'was them missing out. I'd rather not talk about the last aspect of the party, just to say it was worse than bad.
I'm increasing my hours at the primary school, which will help me both with getting work experience and just general sanity. This means I'm *cough* decreasing my hours at college, again for sanitys sake.
On a seperate not, though loosly linked to "Further Education", we, as students (or otherwise) are of an age where we don't follow the same social rules as we did when we were younger. This is the case and some of you still faff about whispering secrets and sneaking about. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?
Anyway, before this becomes a rant about how some of you are as immature as a bunch of kindergarten retards I will leave it at that. Have a nice one y'all.
The good parts consisted of me meeting new people, Bo and Dean, whom are good fun. The bad parts involved people not turning up, but meh, t'was them missing out. I'd rather not talk about the last aspect of the party, just to say it was worse than bad.
I'm increasing my hours at the primary school, which will help me both with getting work experience and just general sanity. This means I'm *cough* decreasing my hours at college, again for sanitys sake.
On a seperate not, though loosly linked to "Further Education", we, as students (or otherwise) are of an age where we don't follow the same social rules as we did when we were younger. This is the case and some of you still faff about whispering secrets and sneaking about. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?
Anyway, before this becomes a rant about how some of you are as immature as a bunch of kindergarten retards I will leave it at that. Have a nice one y'all.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
The Mighty Battle Of Green
It's currently 4:20a.m. and I can't get to sleep for reasons more depressing than the concept of a kitten glued in front of a steamroller but now seems as good a time as any to document the daring quest of two would-be "heros".
The story begins on a typical weekday, nothing out of the ordinary at all...or so I thought. I made my way over to A's house (yes, I'm still using the "initial" system) for some gaming and fun I remembered that he had mentioned an evil plant that he had been told to conquer. I had agreed to help, thinking it be a simple task. As I made my way down the hill towards my destination my thoughts were proven VERY wrong. Before me stood a beast 16 foot in height with more natural influence over the area around it than God itself. This, I thought, was going to get tough.
I went into the house where A showed me weird and wackey things on the interweb, none of it I understood because not even he could comprehend it's vast knowledge. After a while I suggested we leave to get supplies for whatever lay ahead, trying to block the "leafy challenge" that lay in wait for us out of my mind. We ventured down to the field of Somer where we bought numerous supplies, much to A's surprise at my insane diet. We purchased them from a well known vendor whom we know as D...not V!! We headed back up to A's abode where the monsterous ivy hung ominously. We ate and drank most of our supplies (in fact I ate and drank most of my supplies) when the call of duty came upon us. We knew we had to fight...
The tools of war were given to us as we prepared for battle, neither of us knowing if we would make it back. We used a surprise entrance to the battlefield which gave us the upper hand. At first we tried a turn based system of attack against the plant, we soon realised this was geting us nowhere. I was equiped with the tiny "Cutters of Truth"(+1) which I used effectivly to clear away the bottom section of green coverage to reveal the monsters source, The Root. Little is know about The Root itself, some say it has surpassed it's pot, planting itself into the hard ground below. Others say it has made it's way under the house, plotting to break through and start it's world takeover bid. All are just hearsay and rumours, what was truely known was it had to be stopped. The upper body of the beast was cut off from it's cursed root by A with great precision and skill, leaving only The Pipe to be delt with. What is the pipe, you ask (you probably have if you've bothered to read this far), it was what the the planthad used to climb up the building all these years. It had intertwined with it so much rust and wood had become one, making a sort of "Rood" or "Wust" substance. What ever it was it would prove to be too much for us, unless we came up with a plan fast.
I headed for higher ground, knowing that it had to be tackled from both ends. This move proved useful as the branches had taken a firm hold an by cutting them loose it allowed A to start the "tug-o-war" process, ever increasingly ripping the creature away from it's suspended lair. More had to me cut and hacked until It was revealed, The Heart. The very centre of it all, the branches and vines had entwined themselves with each other and the pipe, making an enforced defence against attacks, just revealing it was a battle enough. However, not willing (or allowed) to admit defeat, we pressed on the the attack. The Heart took many cuts to remove but eventually it came loose, allowing us to take the rest of the plant with it. It lay defeated, in a mess of leaves and twigs, awaiting it's final curtain.
The clean-up isn't interesting enough to document, only mention, and myself and A went in to get our celebration on, which happened to be gaming (don't judge us).
I would like to add that I do not, and never will, condon the use of violence against either animal or plant life. In this case the builders were coming round and the area needed to be cleared. Though contry to the details given in the tale, there was no spite towards the afore mentioned plant, it was even liked as it gave the builing character, says A. I apologise if any of the content within the story has offended viewers.
Signing off: 5:30a.m. (and I still can't sleep).
The story begins on a typical weekday, nothing out of the ordinary at all...or so I thought. I made my way over to A's house (yes, I'm still using the "initial" system) for some gaming and fun I remembered that he had mentioned an evil plant that he had been told to conquer. I had agreed to help, thinking it be a simple task. As I made my way down the hill towards my destination my thoughts were proven VERY wrong. Before me stood a beast 16 foot in height with more natural influence over the area around it than God itself. This, I thought, was going to get tough.
I went into the house where A showed me weird and wackey things on the interweb, none of it I understood because not even he could comprehend it's vast knowledge. After a while I suggested we leave to get supplies for whatever lay ahead, trying to block the "leafy challenge" that lay in wait for us out of my mind. We ventured down to the field of Somer where we bought numerous supplies, much to A's surprise at my insane diet. We purchased them from a well known vendor whom we know as D...not V!! We headed back up to A's abode where the monsterous ivy hung ominously. We ate and drank most of our supplies (in fact I ate and drank most of my supplies) when the call of duty came upon us. We knew we had to fight...
The tools of war were given to us as we prepared for battle, neither of us knowing if we would make it back. We used a surprise entrance to the battlefield which gave us the upper hand. At first we tried a turn based system of attack against the plant, we soon realised this was geting us nowhere. I was equiped with the tiny "Cutters of Truth"(+1) which I used effectivly to clear away the bottom section of green coverage to reveal the monsters source, The Root. Little is know about The Root itself, some say it has surpassed it's pot, planting itself into the hard ground below. Others say it has made it's way under the house, plotting to break through and start it's world takeover bid. All are just hearsay and rumours, what was truely known was it had to be stopped. The upper body of the beast was cut off from it's cursed root by A with great precision and skill, leaving only The Pipe to be delt with. What is the pipe, you ask (you probably have if you've bothered to read this far), it was what the the planthad used to climb up the building all these years. It had intertwined with it so much rust and wood had become one, making a sort of "Rood" or "Wust" substance. What ever it was it would prove to be too much for us, unless we came up with a plan fast.
I headed for higher ground, knowing that it had to be tackled from both ends. This move proved useful as the branches had taken a firm hold an by cutting them loose it allowed A to start the "tug-o-war" process, ever increasingly ripping the creature away from it's suspended lair. More had to me cut and hacked until It was revealed, The Heart. The very centre of it all, the branches and vines had entwined themselves with each other and the pipe, making an enforced defence against attacks, just revealing it was a battle enough. However, not willing (or allowed) to admit defeat, we pressed on the the attack. The Heart took many cuts to remove but eventually it came loose, allowing us to take the rest of the plant with it. It lay defeated, in a mess of leaves and twigs, awaiting it's final curtain.
The clean-up isn't interesting enough to document, only mention, and myself and A went in to get our celebration on, which happened to be gaming (don't judge us).
I would like to add that I do not, and never will, condon the use of violence against either animal or plant life. In this case the builders were coming round and the area needed to be cleared. Though contry to the details given in the tale, there was no spite towards the afore mentioned plant, it was even liked as it gave the builing character, says A. I apologise if any of the content within the story has offended viewers.
Signing off: 5:30a.m. (and I still can't sleep).
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Caffine Induced Hell, It's The 10th Circle
I'm sitting here jittering cause of the overdose of caffine I took earlier, not literally obviously, it just feels like it. It doesn't help when your trying not to think about something, all you can do is think and think until all you want to do is blow you fucking brains all over your wall. These are troubling times, I think I need to scream, that may be the caffine talking but I'm not so sure. If I don't scream I'm definatly going to hit something, weither it be human or otherwise. Not without good reason, of course, but it will happen and when it does I'll feel better.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Tits Up And Nowhwere To Go
Blast me. Blast you. Blast this whole damn thing. (I would like to remind viewers that this is not aimed at anyone, it's just a wee rant...and not a good one at that.) Do you know how many guys have come on to me? Do you? In the past 2 years I've had roughly 7 guys come up to me and either ask for a kiss or ask me out. How many girls you ask (probably not, but this is a goddamn rant damnit), one, Ais. Now that's not the point I'm trying to make, that's a damn good thing. What I'm trying to ask is "Am I only attractive to the same Goddamn sex?" I'm not homophobic (as a dead leg will prove, trust me), in fact I'm very open minded about how people live thier lives, it's not my place to say different. But I just find it annoying now, like I said before I'm happy with Ais and this isn't some desperste advertisement for women but how do you be attractive to the opposite sex. All this shit has made me paranoid, I might live the rest of my years in a cave...
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I'm Drunk...Again
It's sad but true folks. Helps me think, if you can believe that, if you can't...well don't, as simple as that. I could write anything on this blog and no-one would care, no-one looks at it anymore, previous posts must have either scared them off or pissed them off, either way I'll die happy knowing I influenced peoples lives even in the smallest of ways. Not, I must note, that I intend on dying anytime soon.
This is a low point, I wish I knew what was going on, how people felt, what I have to do. I try not to dwell on these things but it's hard when they concern someone very close. Some may know what I'm on about, through experience of this kind of flux, or just a very educated guess. Come to think of it, who the fuck doesn't know, everyone has shitty points in there lives, I just wanted to have them when I was 50, that's all.
All things considered things are looking up, at least that's what I like to think, the truth may want to correct me on that if need be, but I'm firm...(heeheehee)...in my belief that thing will get better soon. I would normally say cause I'm putting a lot of effort in, but if that was the case it wouldn't be a natural reaction thus a lie, of sorts. No, for once I'm taking it easy, I'm motivated by some very helpful advice.
Enough of this drunken ramble, the spell checker can only do so much. Night y'all.
This is a low point, I wish I knew what was going on, how people felt, what I have to do. I try not to dwell on these things but it's hard when they concern someone very close. Some may know what I'm on about, through experience of this kind of flux, or just a very educated guess. Come to think of it, who the fuck doesn't know, everyone has shitty points in there lives, I just wanted to have them when I was 50, that's all.
All things considered things are looking up, at least that's what I like to think, the truth may want to correct me on that if need be, but I'm firm...(heeheehee)...in my belief that thing will get better soon. I would normally say cause I'm putting a lot of effort in, but if that was the case it wouldn't be a natural reaction thus a lie, of sorts. No, for once I'm taking it easy, I'm motivated by some very helpful advice.
Enough of this drunken ramble, the spell checker can only do so much. Night y'all.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Doubt Has No Place In Drunkeness
It's true. When you're drunk you feel what you should feel, not the doubt and loathing that soberity brings (that may not be a word but who the fuck cares). All the doubts you have about yourself, your relationships, your future vanish in the blink of an eye when you become drunk and you then feel better about the world. I for one, whom is drunk at the moment, feel a lot better knowing that my true feelings are that of love and compassion towards all who I know. I don't care if this post makes me look like an arse because quite frankly I seem to be the first one to announce my positive feelings on my blog instead of moping and just being a general fuckwit. Cheer up, all those who read this post, the world isn't ending yet so get off you backsides and do something, whether it be for a loved one or just some you like or even yourself, do it now and feel good that you've done it. Thank you.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Come Work At "Gav's Fun-o-rama", Formely "Gav's Slave-o-rama"
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you can buy better clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for their lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average form. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you can buy better clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for their lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average form. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
I Go By Many Names...
| Gavin Christopher Patterson's Aliases |
 Your fashion designer name is Gavin Paris Your socialite name is Rabbi Johnson Glasgow Your fly girl / guy name is G Pat Your detective name is Dragon Hillhead Your barfly name is Marzipan Beer Your soap opera name is Christopher Kersland Your rock star name is Yorkies Bullet Your Star Wars name is Gavoti Patais Your punk rock band name is The Bored Oblong |
The Amazing Meganame Generator
Friday, August 04, 2006
Back On Track, Baby
I feel unusually empowered lately, I've been a right dipshit for the past couple of weeks. As before, if you don't know what I'm talking about then you ain't gonna but take my word for it, I'm a changed man...obviously not completely, I'm still as lovable as ever. Fuck, I've even been listening to cheery goddamn music, it's fan-fucking-tastic. Have a good one y'all.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
"Bodies In The Loft"
As I search for the source of these events,
I have no words to say in my defence.
My shoulders hunch with this ever increasing doubt,
I still wonder what the fuck it's all about.
(Chorus)
So why am I plagued with this,
Oh doesn't it suck, well tough luck.
Why am I plagued with this,
Oh doesn't it suck, this bad luck.
My fingers were crossed as they fell off,
As far as I know I've got no bodies in the loft.
It seems to me that this ain't fair,
I can't find no solutions anywhere.
(Chorus)
And so continues this degradation of my soul,
Man, I'm losing control, I need more alcohol.
As I delve deeper into my depression,
Almost hopeing for the positive impression.
There's a part of me who fights it all,
Oh, there's a part of me who hopes I fall, in the end.
This karmic retribution could prove to be my soul's evolution,
But why it needs it still fills me with confusion.
Now I know you got to take all o'life, the good and the bad,
But the past few weeks have been the worst I've ever had.
(Chorus)
Written and composed by Harrison and Me
I have no words to say in my defence.
My shoulders hunch with this ever increasing doubt,
I still wonder what the fuck it's all about.
(Chorus)
So why am I plagued with this,
Oh doesn't it suck, well tough luck.
Why am I plagued with this,
Oh doesn't it suck, this bad luck.
My fingers were crossed as they fell off,
As far as I know I've got no bodies in the loft.
It seems to me that this ain't fair,
I can't find no solutions anywhere.
(Chorus)
And so continues this degradation of my soul,
Man, I'm losing control, I need more alcohol.
As I delve deeper into my depression,
Almost hopeing for the positive impression.
There's a part of me who fights it all,
Oh, there's a part of me who hopes I fall, in the end.
This karmic retribution could prove to be my soul's evolution,
But why it needs it still fills me with confusion.
Now I know you got to take all o'life, the good and the bad,
But the past few weeks have been the worst I've ever had.
(Chorus)
Written and composed by Harrison and Me
Monday, July 24, 2006
The Karma Are Coming, The Karma Are Coming
Bad karma has been following me around like a bad smell lately, (not that I haven't had a bath). I will not tell you why I think that is cause this is a blog with a few secrets, so there. But seriously, I've been too hot outside due to bad decisions, just stubbed my to which resulted in my nail being broken off, and the past few days in general haven't been very good. I'm a very strong believer in karma. "My name is"...Gavin.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Flat-Lined
I love it when a plan comes together, that's why I hate my current situation. I have no money, I have no job, and I need £1000 for the first of August...plus I'm going away for a week.... something will turn up, I doubt it though.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
The Well Dried Up
Damn, money's annoying. It's sooo good but very annoying. We need it for everything and spend it on nothing then when we need it for something we don't have it cause of the amount of nothing we just bought. Quite a pickle indeed, but we always find a way round it, we must though the "way" may not make itself claer for a good long while...that's kinda depressing.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Cycle Continues
Life is extreamly fleeting. You could be fine one minute and 6' under the next, but hey, we'll come back as something else anyway, right? It's just so fucked up, I sometimes wish there wasn't this rencarnation thing just so we didn't have to live through this fiasco over and over again. What's the point of life, we get born, we get older, we get frailer, we die, a never ending cycle of pain and misery that never stops...ever. There are very few things in life that make me truely happy but living just happens to be one of them, and the living of those who I love. I haven't ever bought into the whole "Buddhist Nirvana" thing, it's all a load of tripe, it's just like "Heaven and Hell", no-one and nothing has the right to judge me on wether i lived a virtuous life or not, nor do I need "enlightenment". I would thank you not to make any "But aren't you God?" remarks, thank you.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
*Sigh* Not This Again
Prize-giving sucks ass! I can't be bothered going in just to recieve pieces of paper and books I've already read. I'll find a way to get out of it, don't you worry, I'll find a way...Damn, that's right, my mum wants to go...shit. Time for an angry mood swing. *Swings the cat* Glad that's over...
Sunday, June 18, 2006
The Following Post May Shock Our Younger Readers
That little fucker better keep the fuck away or his own fucking mother won't be able to recognise them after I'm done. I swear to God Himself that they have crossed the fucking line this time and has been for a while, one more slip up and the cunt will pay dearly. This post applys to one person and unless you feel you've warrented this from me it is not you.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Sorting It Out
Everyone who has a problem with me comment here and I'll get back to you...seriously, just tell me what your problem is. If you don't you're a big baby eater...just trying to provoke a reply as I know you won't, you know how it is.
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